The Spring Racing Carnival is kind of like a big old year 10 formal. Almost everyone’s dressed up, will end up with no shoes and their hair in disarray and possibly find themselves with a nasty bout of pash rash.
Random font change time! Oh wait, my computer is having a hissy fit…
But it’s not all glamour and good times.. Anyone who has been to an event like the Melbourne Cup or Caulfield Cup – as I have – will know there are vital necessities you need packed in the handbag (or Man Bag) before you walk out the front door.
1. Numero uno on the list is a tazer, because you never know when a vigilante phillie is going to try to trample you. It’s also good for reviving friends passed out after having quaffed their fourth plastic bottle of bubbly. These can be found on Ebay.
2. Also, a mobile phone is a handy tool for a day at the races to ensure you send at least half a dozen inappropriate “sext-messages” to your boss – or former partner.
3. The third item you should never leave home without when attending a horse racing shindig is a hefty dose of arrogance. Being the best-dressed, the hottest, the most popular is an impossibility without an egomaniacal tendencies. A good way to start is to stand in front of a mirror for a couple of hours, berating yourself (face slaps help too) followed by flipping the tables by constantly repeating “I am the best, everyone else is an peon”.
4. Of course alcohol can help here, which brings us to our fourth item – contraband hipflasks full of Mexican “fire water”. We’re talking 90%, in your face, no holds barred jesus juice. However too much can result in the sporadic use of item one on the list.
5. This last item is of course tha facinator – the most obnoxiously sized feather flailing eye hazard you can get your hands on. Not only will the work to clear a path for you in the event you’d actually like to see a horse, or alternatively come in handy when queuing for the ladies (if you should even attempt it).
- Angry F. Falcon
5 Comments
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Wow, thanks for the advice Mr Anrgy. You clearly are a true authority in the field. But methinks you should be more angry.
- Jon
Um, Jon, it seems that you are Angryfalcon. Your viewers may find your sincerity dubious. Keep up the tip top work.
spring makes me angry…
good tip..
Bill Beeftown Bevvy.
i find a bit of sunscreen and a hip-flask come in handy! oh and fake notes rolled up for end of day to pretend you have won big time!
great advice angryfalcon!
I find that by starting early on the champagne i am guaranteed to be knocked out by 6pm – everyone loves an early night!