‘This is Why You’re Fat’ is a collection of all those hideously awesome meals you used to put together out of what ever was left in the cupboard and fridge and attempted to cook with only one working burner while you’re flat mates egged you on to include that half a bottle of Tabasco in your recipe too. 

So for your viewing pleasure (or disgust) here are a few of the most popular images:

The Widowmaker

1.5 lbs of ground beef, 1 package of bacon, 1 package of italian sausage, 1 box of hot pockets, 1/2 package of fried onion strips between 2 Tombstone Pepperoni Pizzas topped with Velveta Cheese and Marinara Sauce.

The Sex Panther

Breaded schnitzel, bacon, cheese, ham and steak in a hollowed out bun.

McSliders

Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.

The Meatbaby 

This needs no explanation.

El Niño

Ground beef, sauteed onions, sour cream, lettuce, tomato and cheddar cheese wrapped in a large pepperoni pizza, totaling three pounds.

Corn Dog Casserole

A layer of hash brown patties, crumbled bacon, baked beans, corn and french fries topped with sliced corn dogs and mustard icing.

- Angry F. Falcon

But now there’s a place your booty can double down. Costco, Docklands: home to the fat, patron of bulk buyers, and guardian over all their asses.

I went there last weekend, and I’ve been eating nothing but choc chip cookies from a novelty vending machine, Nurofen tablets and individually wax coated cheese balls ever since. Upon arrival, I was momentarily delayed by the queue for a membership card, but after that they set me free to wander the aisles, blithely stroking the XXL lumberjack shirts and pointing at a Japanese man having his photo taken with a two-storey-high canoe.

After this initial spell of wonderment, I got down to business. I burned a few calories shouting at the forklift man who stopped to rescue a child from 200 kilos of kitchen towel when he should have been damn well levering my beer pallet, but it’s hard to stay mad at Costco for long. It takes 37 muscles to frown.

With thanks to ‘Penny Modra’

You sure do. Well, as the wise… THIS TEXT HAS BEEN DELETED DUE TO AN ONGOING ASIO INVESTIGATION … but I was always going to give the wheelchair back.

Stupid PC crowd.

- Angry Falcon

Random font change time! Oh wait, my computer is having a hissy fit…

But it’s not all glamour and good times.. Anyone who has been to an event like the Melbourne Cup or Caulfield Cup – as I have – will know there are vital necessities you need packed in the handbag (or Man Bag) before you walk out the front door.

1. Numero uno on the list is a tazer, because you never know when a vigilante phillie is going to try to trample you. It’s also good for reviving friends passed out after having quaffed their fourth plastic bottle of bubbly. These can be found on Ebay.

2. Also, a mobile phone is a handy tool for a day at the races to ensure you send at least half a dozen inappropriate “sext-messages” to your boss – or former partner.

3. The third item you should never leave home without when attending a horse racing shindig is a hefty dose of arrogance. Being the best-dressed, the hottest, the most popular is an impossibility without an egomaniacal tendencies. A good way to start is to stand in front of a mirror for a couple of hours, berating yourself (face slaps help too) followed by flipping the tables by constantly repeating “I am the best, everyone else is an peon”.

4. Of course alcohol can help here, which brings us to our fourth item – contraband hipflasks full of Mexican “fire water”. We’re talking 90%, in your face, no holds barred jesus juice. However too much can result in the sporadic use of item one on the list.

5. This last item is of course tha facinator – the most obnoxiously sized feather flailing eye hazard you can get your hands on. Not only will the work to clear a path for you in the event you’d actually like to see a horse, or alternatively come in handy when queuing for the ladies (if you should even attempt it).

- Angry F. Falcon